The Legend of Tingle
by EternalFlare
Summary: A short parody of the Legend of Zelda, featuring Sauron, Darth Vader, and everyone's favourite person, Tingle!


_This originated off a bus ride, when a friend and I were talking about Tingle being the main protagonist in a LoZ game. Though he isn't quite the main character in this story: the name is intended to tell you it's a parody. But, Tingle is a major character._

The Legend of Tingle

'Stupid Ganondorf with his impossible fortress and his stupid Triforce of Power. . .'

These words came from Link as traversed Ganondorf's castle – yet again. He held his Master Sword firmly in hand, and his stout shield was ready to shield him from any blow.

He was running up a spiral staircase, supposedly tall spires leading up to Ganondorf's throne room. Link, an incarnation of the Hero of Time, was not at all a bright fellow. Nor strong. Or even brave, really. He carried the Sword of Evil's Bane; he wielded the Triforce of Courage; but he was bloody rubbish as a hero.

And so it was that he heard a familiar cry. Through one of the enormous stained glass windows he saw Tingle, that stupid, useless map-dealer, floating with that retarded red balloon. He spied Link, and waved. Link just stared in confusion.

'What's that fairy doing at Ganondorf's _castle_!?' he exclaimed in a soliloquy; just then a pebble sailed through the window and crashed into his cheek.

'Hello Mr. Fairy!' Tingle's voice said distantly. 'Ha ha! Ganondorf lives in this castle!'

'After so many reincarnations of Zelda and I, you'd think he'd have died of old age. . .' Link stood and took out his bow; one arrow he fitted, an arrow which sailed straight into Tingle's balloon.

'Ooh!' Tingle exclaimed as he fell (roughly) sixteen stories to his (hopefully) death. But not three seconds after he fell beyond Link's sight did he sail through the window.

'Ha ha! Good joke Mr. Fairy!' Tingle said, happy as ever, 'but I carry a grappling-hook!' Link cursed silently, and didn't hide his scorn. But then again, there was a reason he'd been in the castle for six days. . .

'Tingle,' Link said, rueing the very notion of this idea, 'do you have a – map?'

'_**YES!**_' Tingle screamed in a voice so loud it shook the foundations of Ganondorf's castle. Tingle pulled out a map and handed it to Link.

'Hey, you come in handy sometim – hey, wait a minute! _This map is for Zora River_!' Link turned red and fumed.

'Sorry Mr. Fairy,' Tingle said, his eyes watering up.

'It's okay, Mr. No-Good-Stupid-Queer-Looking-Fairy-Loving-Whack-Job.'

'Yay!'

'Shut up, Tingle. Just _shut-up_!'

The two began to travel for a while ere they came to Ganon's throne room. Tingle laughed and did that weird sideways-hop-with-the-arms-in-the-air dance. Link contemplated murdering Tingle.

'I've got an idea,' Link said. 'Why don't you go fight Ganondorf, Tingle?'

Tingle gave Link that puppy-dog look, and it didn't work. Link was stone faced, and his eyes contained naught but pure hate. They stood there for a long time, before the door just opened. Ganondorf, on his throne, and Zelda beside him in a force-field, stared right at them.

'Look Mr. Fairy! It's Ganondorf! Hi!'

Link turned furiously and backhanded Tingle across the face. Tingle smiled and laughed. 'I forgot he was bad! Hee-hee!' Taking his Sword by the blade, Link reared up and swung it like a club at the back of Tingle's head. The Hilt of Evil's Bane connected solidly, and Tingle flew into the throne room and sprawled out about the floor. Ganondorf's jaw dropped; Zelda gasped; Link smiled.

Tingle laughed.

'What does it take!' Link screamed. He trudged into the throne room and stood before Tingle. He lifted his Sword to slay Tingle –

– 'Uh, Link?' Zelda said. Link looked up and saw Ganondorf with a large two-handed sword. Kicking Tingle aside, Link readied himself for an epic battle. Ganondorf held up his hand, the Triforce of Power glowing and giving him power.

Link raised his hand and waited. And waited. After a while Ganondorf raised an eyebrow, and Link looked at his hand.

'Shizcracker!' he said, 'I forgot mine!'

'You _forgot_ the Triforce of Courage!' Zelda shrieked.

'Where's yours? Huh? You're trapped behind a force-field you could easily break; so where's yours?'

'You don't want to know,' Ganondorf said with a nudge. 'She told me. I vomited for three hours.'

'Nevermind,' Link said in a cracked voice. 'Umm, I'm gonna go get my Triforce piece – brb.'

'Lol,' Ganondorf said when Link was out of earshot, 'n00b.'

'ROTFLOL!' Zelda exclaimed, and amid the laughter there came a series of high-pitched shrieks, in rapid staccato and the same again and again. Tingle was laughing.

'Shut up Tingle,' Ganondorf said.

'Okay, Mr. Dark Lord!'

Sauron, in the corner, said 'I'm the Dark Lord; he's the Sorcerer.'

'I thought that was the Witch-king?' Zelda said. Sauron scratched his head. 'I didn't write the book, you know.'

'Book?'

'Nevermind. I got the One Ring, so I can say whatever I want. I'll brb with some Nazgཽཾl.' With that he disappeared.

'Wow Sauron, we're _really_ impressed with your Ring. I got one _loads_ better.'

'Wow,' Tingle said, rising, 'can I see it? Is it pretty?'

'No; no; no.'

'What's the third "no"?' Darth Vader said from the corner.

'I don't –,' Ganondorf began before doing a double take. 'Why are all you guys in this? You're not from Legend of Zelda!'

'I am,' Tingle said. Darth Vader uses force Lightning on him and he crashes into a wall.

'Thanks, Darth,' Ganondorf and Zelda said at the same time.

'No prob. I gtg.'

'Cya,' Ganondorf said.

'L8r,' Zelda said.

'Bye-bye, Mr. Sith!'

'Shut up Tingle!'

'You said that Ganondorf,' Zelda said.

'Oh.'

'Shut up Tingle.'

'Okay,' Tingle said.

This conversation persisted for days, until Link ran in with the Triforce of Courage.

'Sorry I'm late,' he said.

'Where was it?' Zelda asked.

'In my hat.'

'. . .'

'. . .'

'. . .' said Ganondorf

'Mr. Fairy!' screamed Tingle; Ganondorf threw a purple ball of energy at him.

'Can we fight now?' Ganondorf asked. Link nodded.

'Sure.' He drew his Sword. Ganondorf charged in; Link ran away. He took out his bow and unloaded eighty arrows into Ganondorf. Ganondorf fell dead after a three minute battle.

'That was quick,' Zelda said.

'Yeah, but there's always a second form.'

'Oh yeah.'

And sure enough, Ganondorf, after a long cutscene, transformed into a big boar-esque monster. The room expanded magically, and Tingle ran behind Link. Link stood fast, sword out and an iron look in his eyes. Then Ganondorf roared.

'Mr. Fairy! There's a stain on your–.' Link turned furiously and chased Tingle down screaming curses. Ganon and Zelda looked at this event for a few minutes ere Zelda cleared her throat.

Link retook his position in the centre of the room; the floor before him cracked, and he and Ganon were separated by lava.

'This is gay,' Link said.

'The bow Mr. Fairy! Use the bow!'

'I spent all my arrows on Ganondorf.'

'Then throw your bow!' Link shrugged and threw his bow with full force. On cue, Ganon burst into flames: the bow (wooden – hint-hint) caught on fire.

'Oh _come on_!' Link screamed.

'Throw the Sword!'

'No!' Zelda screamed; too late. Link yanked the Blade off the Hilt and threw the Hilt.

'What!?' Zelda screamed again. 'Why not the Blade!?'

'Oops,' Link said. He threw the Blade. Missed.

So Link reached into his bottomless inventory and pulled out many items (while Ganon watched): Megaton Hammer, the Bottles, the Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, the Wind Waker, some Fused Shadows, the ball & chain, the lantern, the slingshot, the hookshot, the grappling hook, the Kokiri Sword, the Deku Shield, a Deku Stick, Mido, Saria, and his hat.

'Umm, Mr. Fairy. . .'

'_**SHUT UP!**_' Link screamed. 'Who's fighting the gigantic – boar? _**I**__**AM**___ Now shut up before I throw you!' So Link grabbed all the items he took out and threw them: the Hammer bounced off and into the lava; the Bottles broke; the Ocarina melted; Majora's Mask disappeared; the Wind Waker combusted; the Fused Shadows created a black hole for 0.00001 seconds; the ball & chain rolled off; the lantern fueled the fire; the slingshot ignited; the hookshot went poof; the grappling hook (made of rope) burned; the Kokiri sword screamed with the voices of thousands of monsters; the Deku shield burned; the Stick too; Mido fell in the lava; and Ganon ate Saria. At last Link was left with his hat.

'Umm. . .'

Noone said anything. Link shrugged, and threw the hat. It ignited, and now Link was unarmed. Zelda screamed 'Run!' but Link was busy pulling out a pocket knife.

Tingle stood. At length he stood, and he inflated his balloon. When he turned back to Link 'Mr. Fairy' was bleeding from his hand. He held the Triforce of Courage. Zelda screamed in despair as Link threw the Triforce of Courage at Ganon. It fell into the lava with a plop.

Tingle got his balloon working, and he reached in his pants (:P), pulling out a mini-gun. He unloaded on Ganon. Link and Zelda watched, dumbstruck, as Tingle annihilated Ganon. But then he ran out of ammo, and Ganon was still alive. To make things worse, Tingle's balloon strayed too close to the lava, and happened to pop at that moment. He fell with a laugh.

'Hallelujah!' Link cried. 'Umm, wait: how do I get out of this now?' Suddenly there were shrieks, and lo! the Nazgཽཾl tore through the roof on the fell-beasts! Sauron rode a dragon at their point.

'Wat now?' he screamed. 'Mordor pwns Hyrule! ིberleet!'

'Nerd,' Zelda muttered. The Millennium Falcon tore in and shot a few laser shots, and flew back into space. Yeah, crazy, right?

Ganon and Sauron stood f2f – I mean – face-to-face, and the Nazgཽཾl flew upon Ganon. Then Zelda threw her arms up and cried 'The Eagles are coming!'

Sauron said 'Yes! I planned ahead!' The Nazgཽཾl took out muskets and shot the Eagles out of the sky.

'That wasn't in the book,' Link said, watching the whole thing. Suddenly Sauron shot a leet blast from his hand: Ganon turned back into Ganondorf; but then Ganondorf took out a Desert Eagle and blasted Sauron twice. First in the hand, and once in the Nazgཽཾl's butt. He teleported, but the Ring fell from his finger and was destroyed; all the Nazgཽཾl fell in the lava; Tingle hookshot-ed up to the ledge as the fissure closed; and far up in the sky the Death Star blew up (just to end the Star Wars thing).

'Well,' Link said, 'time to go to Castle Town and get hammered!'

'No Mr. Fairy!' Tingle said, 'Ganondorf is still alive!'

'He'll just come back anyway.' Zelda magically became free; she brandished a knife, and – — — — ———— in the — – – —– —t. Ganondorf screamed, and died.

'Well, this was solved awfully quick,' Link said.

'I love you Mr. Fairy!'

'Uh, cool. Hey, how about you go put Nitro-glycerin in a blender while I get drunk?'

'Okay!'

_So it was that Link (although with some help) destroyed the Triforce of Courage, the Master Sword, every other important relic in Hyrule's history, Ganondorf, the Empire, and the One Ring. Tingle went on to actually kill himself with a Nitro-glycerin+blender combination; Link went on to impale himself with a spear after a drunken brawl with a Hyrulian guard; Zelda married, divorced, and became a single mother with six kids. Did we mention Tingle died? We did? Okay. Just checking. So, Hyrule lived long and prospered ––—————— for two days. A meteor put all the miserable creatures out of their misery._


End file.
